Cant Sleep

Lee went to bed early, as usual during weekdays.
I stayed up watching Lost episode 3.
I rather enjoy this show, it’s in HDTV + AC3 sound so its quality is great, and it sometimes makes me feel like i’m actually there – Lost with all the rest of them on that island they crash landed on. It’s called “Suspention of disbelief”, and this show really does it well. I’m affraid i’m gonna develop fear of flight after watching enough episodes. Unlike my initial plans to go to sleep after it, i was too emotional, really being influanced by that show, so i decided to watch something else and then go to sleep.
What i watched was the exact and complete opposite of what i should have watch in order to be able to go to sleep later.
What i watched was the 3rd and 4th episodes of “Unscripted”. apprantly PHP-Nuke doesn’t like the keywork “script” written inside an html tag like a so you’ll have to look up that show yourself in the already open tvtome windows that you opened for “lost”.
Scripted is an semi-improv show about 3 wannabe actors struggling their way in Hollywood.
I kinda like that show because it has a certain look and feel to it, that makes it again very believable. Unlike lost, in which the picture is crystal clear, and you can see the scratches on peoples skins, and you can hear every small sound that surrounds you, and everything is like “picture perfect”, Unscripted feels exactly the opposite:
An amateur camera, like a home video movie, almost no direction, uncomfortable silences, and nearly genuine people and emotions. Underneath all of that is a truly briliant work of directing and editing which, i’m sure, took hunders of hours of lousy raw footage and compressed it this briliant masterpiece.

THEN i tried going to sleep.

As i said, watching lost would have caused me not to fall asleep for the same reason of having trouble falling asleep after a scary movie, which it is, a scary firghtening, emotional 45 minutes tv series, but movie like, episode.

Unscripted had the opposite effect. While knowing the borderline between fiction and reality, and as much as Lost is a good show, it’s still a TV show, Unscripted feels a bit real. it’s like watching a reality show and thinking to yourself about the fact that the people you see aren’t acting but actual people.
I know it’s not true, much like the improv on “Who’s line is it anyway” isn’t really impov but rather rehersed, but they make a good enough job making be BELIVE it’s true.
More over, and this is the hard part, it reminds me a chapter of my life i miss. I have since long ago accpeted the fact that programming is a better vocatoin then show biz. At least, salary wise. I can make the same amount of money by being a programmeing in 3 months that i can in a year in show biz. Plus, there’s not too many oppurtunities in show biz here in Israel. You need to be highly connected, with a good background in tv or movie making, and even then, you’re plan usually is to accumulate enough experience and connections here and to move to hollywood to try and make it there.
I’ve heard stories and met people who did actually make it there, and also the exact opposite. Yosi from Comikaza told me yesterdat (in reagrds of stories you hear about success and failure) that like everything in life, it has normal deviated probability. It’s all just a big fucking gaussian at the end. For every one that makes it, there has to be one that doesn’t. and also A LOT of people who are in the median, neither making it big time and neither failing, and THAT’S my worst fear in regards to taking chances. After all you put a lot, and i mean A LOT of yourself, both in energy and effort and even in money for some project you want to break it big from, and when all you get in return is to be somewhere in the median, it’s not really worth it.
So I gave up my hopes of being a successfull director, or something of that sort, years ago. But i still have fantasies, and even worse, i have memories of actually being out there, making TV, and i miss those days. In reality, when you don’t have anyone who thinks you’re good enough to make a movie or tv, enough to pay you, making a short film can cost a minumum of 10,000$. And you’re usually not expecting to see any of the profits from it directly, but indirectly, by getting hired for another project.
If i want to make my own movie, i’ll need at least that much money to begin with, and then it’s not something i’m guessing i’ll ever see back, so it’s a luxury. When i’ll have that much money to spend, i’m gonna make a short movie.
Unfortunanly, i still need a good script, and without some support or someone to write this script with, there’s ain’t gonna be no movie. I can also FIND a script and use it to make that movie, after all what i want to do is create something, and direct it, and not nesscaily write it. I hope i’ll know when is the next script marke ocer at the cinematque, if that thing even still exists.

Since my stories tend to be long, i actually never got to explain why i couldn’t sleep.
Trying to get to sleep, my mind wonders about those episodes i just saw. About the people who lost or havn’t lost their hopes in “Lost”, and about those who make it and those who fail to make it in hollywood in “unscripted”. And then i’m thinking of myself. And about my life, and about what i want to do , and about what i CAN DO, which is much more complicated. I’ve already lost most of my hopes to fullfill my fantasies about making some movie, and i’ve almost lost all my hopes of ever making a good computer game, Adventure game or otherwise, but now, I’m rethinking about my hope to make money out of my ideas. All of my ideas require some investment on my behalf, and my insecurity denies my the certainty i need to be sure enough of my idea’s success to literally throw away money on it.

And now the reason i can’t sleep because of.
I have an idea.
I’m gonna throw some money at it.
I’m not sure if it’s worth it. My usual pesimist self tells me it’s not gonna cover it’s expenses, or the hard work i’m going to put in it.
But i’m going to go through with it, because it’s my money, and altough i don’t have almost any right now, i can spend what i do have anyway i like.
So when my idea is gonna become whole, you’ll hear from me.

Unless what usually happens will happen again, and soon you’ll hear about me giving up on it.

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